81kg " + " Alright, thats it, cutting sweets, even if I would feel like dying. Im slowly being more and more pissed off about my inability to cut sweets of and watching my sweet-shaped belly. ENOUGH!
I slept well tonight, even it took me long to fell asleep. I had lots of dreams, I even noted 2 of them, which felt like melting into each other, 2 stories. One from bit of past (Im not sure, surrounding were like 17th century, but I have feeling of people being from more like his century), where I was a pupil of true Alchemist/magician who accepted me as a pupil in a way that I was learning from him and working for him. Second story was about some strange soldier who was taken on a ship as he was wounded, but once he got up, he manipulated me as commanding officer and he took heavy gun and was shooting from a ship into crowd of people on the nearby shore, killing them. Later I felt like this soldier who did this act was in fact god-like being and I even had short part where I was him and was playing with surrounding of a ship, adding more guns to abuse and so on.
Both of those dreams were about manipulation, how to take trust and abuse this trust. In army environment and master-pupil relationship. I felt like I can see in those dreams how easy and unseen can be this manipulation. But I cant loose a feeling that its ok anyway to manipulate, because its not bad itself, people who manipulate dont want to manipulate, they want to do what they want and are not forcing people to follow them. Yeah, they exploit weakness of people or knowledge of wishes and desires of them, but I feel like its still responsibility of those who let themselves to be manipulated, then those who are "manipulating" them. Hard topic for me, its returning over and over again. And tonight it was this strong.
Anyhow, in the morning up for morning exercises.
I) Starting today with 5 minutes warm up, first 6x new way SS, then running with stretches and a bit of shadowboxing. Then pyramid from 13. Uf, well I made it without loosing a flower, even I had quite a struggle around 7-6 parts. After finishing I did again reps up to 5 with a few seconds overlapping 10 minutes limit. SO in total I did 105 pushups/ 105 sit-ups/ 105 squats. Not bad I would say, but I feel I have to look on raw strength department a bit.
After pyramid I did 5 minutes of ABS and core practices. Focused on side parts. I was working on the edge of what I could do. I was happy for time limit alarm and could not got up easily really, it was rich. Good.
Last about 25 minutes I was dancing. I got v.nice random songs today, from all ranks and with different atmospheres. I focused mainly on pelvis, to get rid all of stiffness and to not dance in patterns. Its always so pleasant to dance in tune with music and not in patterns, worth all the efforts. I enjoyed it a lot.
II) Then series of consequences lead to unexpected visitor to which I gave tantra massage. It was great it happened without long preparations, it was nicely spontaneous. I felt sooo rusty in tantra massaging, I felt happy I can have this opportunity to practice again.
III) In the evening I went to tantra course, today it was nice, we did exemplification (crazy terminus technikus ) for Sahasrara chakra and then yoga where we did new asana for 7th chakra. What was striking for me was that I got exactly same sensation and feelings while doing this new asana as when we did exemplification (its something like meditation on certain, concrete energy). It was v.unexpected and it was funny to watch my system to accept that its actually feeling of the same energy pattern. It was strong exercise today. Afterwards lectors gave us some question and I stared to answer and I found, that Im not able to speak regularly, because of how much is happening inside me. And after yoga some theory about 7th chakra. Good course today. I feel like not doing yoga at the day when course is, it feels much better, I can do some other exercise.
In the evening I was v.tired. I have some strange, empty feeling in last days, I feel like with my beloved so far Im missing something. It dosnt make me happy at all, because I wont be addicted or dependent on my beloved in any way, but there I go, cant help it. I wish to found way to look deep into this and found what makes me to attach so much. I believe its not connected to depth of our love, but to some foreign pattern of mine. Anyhow - v.rich and good day today! Ohm mani padme hum.
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